Number for Ella
I don't know what the numbers are for, , but I know you want them, and that's all convincing I need. I can't always be there, but I want to, so this is another way of me trying to compensate.
And down here, a letter, for when you long.
How does this work?
You want two numbers from two ranges. These boxes down here are fully customizable. Set a lower bound, set an upper bound, and take it for a spin! Once you get your number - - you can take it for a spin again, with the same bounds, higher, or lower ones!
To my lovely Ella, on her 21st birthday:
I don't know what every little thing means. I don't need to know what every little thing means, as much as I would give anything to do so. I can't always be there, I can't stop the earth from spinning just for You, as much as I so decidedly want to do so. I am only human, and I am only me. But you are the passion of all the suns in the universe combined roaring. And when you quiet—still—the echo of your roar trembles throughout time and space. There is not a single equation, not a set of them, not a singular concept in our corner of the universe, not a thing to be discovered, or invented, or imagined, that could possibly be equated with your existence.
I see You naked, not in body but in Soul, and I see everything: the infinite beauty, the turmoil, the typhoons, the deepest trench in the deepest ocean, the violent tide, the far away shore, the Redwoods standing tall and the full moon shining on the clearing. The little girl who, even surrounded by all the magic and all the whimsy, was forced to grow up too fast. The little girl, crying in a gown that doesn't yet fit Her—and Her, the owner of my Heart, piercing into my dark black eyes with her determined, bloodshot, honey-brown eyes. Looking at me in disbelief. Looking at me with caution, but eagerness. With gratitude, but with fear. And I see You naked, not in body but in Being.
And I see the little girl crying, and You holding back tears, placing your body before Her, in tired armor, to protect the gown that now fits You. And all I want is to hold your center mass with the most tender embrace my body enables me for.
I want to show you infinity, undo the knots in your throat, hold the water still, sink with you to the bottom of the ocean, ride the wave pushing you in every direction, swim ashore with you, cover your six in the clearing with moonlight over us—while You cover the little girl—until She, too, can wear Her gown. And your battered armor is set to hang forever in the cabin in the middle of the Redwoods, and you get all the seams and the wrinkles You deserve your beautiful laughter to give You. I want to rip that laughter off your lungs as many times as my imagination can conjure the words to do so.
For I will put a part of my Love for You in a bottle, and hook it to a piece of string in your favorite color, so You keep close the light I want to give You—because I want to give You the world, Ella.
You are Beauty, you are Talent, you are Strength, you are Softness, you are Friend, you are Tears, you are Laughter, you are Daughter, you are Eldest Sister, you are Academic Weapon, you are Love, you are Seasons, you are A Hug, you are A Kiss, you are Embrace, you are Curiosity, you are Knowledge, you are Passion, you are Weakness, you are Yearning.
I once asked myself: "do trees in the forest fall at all if there's no one too witness them fall?"
I want to see your tree fall, Ella. I want to witness You. I don't need to understand You. I don't need to be able to define You.
Ella—today, on Your birthday, and every day moving forward—I just want to experience You.